Dear Mr. Dynamite (Jon Heder),
As both a critic and a semi-compassionate adult, I’m writing to inform you that director Jared Hess’ movie about you, Napoleon Dynamite, is a work of such crude, cruel nastiness that you should seriously consider filing a lawsuit against the filmmaker. This “comedy,” which tracks your adolescent misadventures in small-town Idaho with your moronic friend Pedro (Efren Ramirez), your inane brother Kip (Aaron Ruell), your narcissistic Uncle Rico (Jon Gries) and your awkward wannabe-girlfriend Deb (Tina Majorino), spends an intolerably long 82 minutes ridiculing – and encouraging the audience to ridicule – you and your stupid, disgusting, socially retarded acquaintances. In other words, it asks us to behave like the obnoxious high school bullies and cheerleaders who torment you. As far as I can tell, Mr. Hess and his co-screenwriter Jerusha Hess believe that the best (or at least easiest) way to elicit laughs is to create repulsive, spastic characters who can’t comprehend their idiocy, and then to humiliate them time and again. To be sure, you do come across as an amusingly incompetent loser, and your Tourette’s-like penchant for blurting out crazy insults and fantasies about mythical creatures is sort of endearingly pathetic, but the film – by condescendingly trotting out bizarre freaks so we can feel superior to them – functions like an excruciating episode of Jerry Springer. As it stands, Napoleon Dynamite is one of the year’s most offensive films, and if I were you, I’d think about taking legal action against the perpetrators of this vicious celluloid slander.