Alien vs. Predator (2004): C

Acid blood-dripping insectoid aliens clash with dreadlocked intergalactic big-game hunters in Alien vs. Predator (or AVP, for those who like to conserve words), and the central question posed by such a heavyweight cinematic showdown is: Who are we supposed to root for? Is it the Aliens, the rabid, dual-mouthed “others” that see humans as convenient baby incubators? Or the camouflaged pseudo-Rastafarian Predators, who enjoy the sport of stalking and murdering people? Schlock director Paul W. Anderson (Resident Evil) makes no bones about where humanity’s allegiance should lie in this unsurprisingly mediocre (and PG-13!) battle of the titans, imagining Aliens as ferocious animals bred by Predators for use in a coming-of-age ritual held inside a shape-shifting pyramid under the Antarctic’s surface. Anderson doesn’t try to make his film logically mesh with the franchise’s separate mythologies, choosing instead to devise some cockamamie back-story about Predators as ancient Incan gods who gave birth to human civilization. And his means of getting humans involved in this intergalactic struggle – they’re all “experts” investigating the mysterious pyramid on behalf of the shady multinational Weyland corporation – is as lazy as set-ups get. It’s nice to see Lance Henriksen appear as visionary businessman Charles Weyland (his presence, as well as a brief glimpse of him darting a knife between his fingers, is a satisfying allusion to his Aliens android Bishop), and Sanaa Lathan gives her heroic environmental activist Alexa Woods a gutsy feistiness that’s absent in her two-dimensional monster-fodder cohorts. Yet making Lathan and the Predator tag-team partners against the rampaging Alien Queen is a decision of goofy illogicality (if Predators are this intelligent and nice, why did they spend their first screen moments mindlessly slaughtering innocent men?) that, in the end, convincingly proves that Aliens are exponentially cooler than Predators, this film’s humans, or Paul W. Anderson. Down with the bipeds!

Comments

[Joe Grossberg]

Not an "F"? Wow. I've heard awful, awful things about this film.

What did you think were its redeeming qualities?

[Nick]

It's redeeming qualities were that it gave me what I expected - namely, some lame characters, a stupid plot, but some decent Alien-Predator fighting. Nothing special, nothing imaginative, but then again, I don't really think that making an Alien vs. Predator film is all that imaginative in the first place. Like Freddy vs. Jason, it's mediocre B-movie fun, and while that's nothing to get excited over, I must admit that I have an affinity for junkie horror and sci-fi movies. And that's what this was.

I guess I can understand someone hating it if they actually expected it to be a good movie. But I'm not sure why anyone would have expected that. Since Paul W. Anderson is known as a junkie horror-sci-fi director (though I do love his Resident Evil, which is another discussion altogether), I guess I was ready for the film to be bad in an unexceptional way. But it's hardly as awful as something like "The Village," which regularly insults your intelligence and try your patience.

[Y Diddy]

Maybe he was an exception to the Predator race. Kind of a Perometheus of The Predators :) Or maybe he was down with the Arturian... er, human poon tang? Yeah, I know, I'm ridiculous.

Peace!

[Dennis]

"(though I do love his Resident Evil, which is another discussion altogether)"

I suppose you've never written a review for this one then? I'd love to read your thoughts on it, given that I consider it a major guilty pleasure.

[Nick]

Dennis,

No, I've never written a review of Resident Evil (though I probably should). I have, however, written a review of its sequel, which I - in retrospect, somewhat blindly - gave a positive grade.

[Dennis]

"I have, however, written a review of its sequel, which I - in retrospect, somewhat blindly - gave a positive grade."

Ahh, so you think you were too easy on it now? It is odd seeing the movie almost universally lambasted besides you and I think Dave Kehr. As much as I like the original as a sleek bad movie, I've never bothered with the sequel. Should I?