Lessons of Darkness

A Brief Oscar Recap, Award-Style

Funniest Part: Jerry Seinfeld advocating movie theater littering, while the crowd laughed uncomfortably.

Scariest Part: Jennifer Hudson's jiggling cleavage during the Dreamgirls number.

Strangest PA Comment: That J-Lo is the best reason to upgrade to HDTV (a close second: that the Little Miss Sunshine screenwriter was once Matthew Broderick's personal assistant).

Best Comedy Killer: Tom Hanks, making an Alcoholics Anonymous joke.

Most Irritating Theme of the Night: Go, Three Amigos, Go!

Most Embarrassing Moment: When Coppola, Lucas and Spielberg were dubbed the "original" Three Amigos.

Most Telegraphed Moment #1: Martin Scorsese's (deserved) win, which was guaranteed when Coppola, Lucas and Spielberg were announced a couple of days ago as the Best Director presenters.

Most Telegraphed Moment #2: Jennifer Hudson's win, which was guaranteed the second the Best Supporting Actress award presentation (which usually kicks off the proceedings) was moved deep into the show.

Biggest Surprise: The Lives of Others winning Best Foreign Film over Pan's Labyrinth.

Best Part: Ellen DeGeneres' bit with Eastwood and Spielberg (a close second: the Jack Black-Will Ferrell-John C. Reilly number).

Worst Part: The goofy, time-wasting, this-is-why-the-show-runs-so-long silhouette dance sequences.

Moment that Best Epitomized the Oscars: The sound effects choir, which was bizarre, annoying, laughable and meaningless.

Notes on a Second Viewing – The Departed

(Note: SPOILERS AHEAD)

- The impotent/viral dynamic between Colin (Damon) and Billy (DiCaprio)/Frank (Nicholson) is still the film’s funniest subtext, though I seem to have missed one of its key appearances. After Frank and Colin meet at Frank’s porn theater (where studly Frank waves a dildo at limp-dicked Colin), Colin is chased by Billy into an alley, where he attempts to stab Billy but instead accidentally and incorrectly knifes an innocent Asian man – another case of Colin’s inability to properly wield a phallic object.

- Vera Farmiga remains the weak link, not simply because her character’s romantic entanglement with Colin and Billy is ridiculous, but because it’s so insanely contrived and phony. Farmiga’s shrink Madolyn has no truly independent character traits – a (poorly Photoshopped) childhood photo of her on a horse is the only thing Scorsese gives the character in terms of detail or depth. She’s the epitome of a plot device, there only to lamely serve the development of the story and the two protagonists with whom she interacts. Farmiga makes the most of the “character,” but Madolyn’s presence barely adds anything to the film, and thus comes off as borderline embarrassing.

- In most reviews of the film (mine included), the Rolling Stones’ “Gimme Shelter” is the primary song referenced. Yet upon second viewing, the track that really gives the film it’s powerhouse oomph is the Dropkick Murphy’s propulsive, rambunctious “I’m Shipping Up to Boston,” which is used so brilliantly during the film’s delayed opening credit sequence – where Scorsese intercuts between Damon on the “outside,” and DiCaprio in prison – that it practically makes me want to jump out of my seat with excitement.

- Scorsese’s eventual operatic instincts (just like Nicholson’s flamboyant antics) didn’t bother me as much this time around, and his direction seems pretty great all the way through. After the first twenty minutes or so, however, no shot is quite as sweet as the one of Martin Sheen taking a slow-mo dive off a building rooftop – an image that once again made me gasp.

- The rat punchline at the end is not only too cheesy (and stupid) by half, but it’s completely unnecessary, and spoils what otherwise would have been a perfectly fitting final pan from Damon’s corpse to the state building/halls of governmental power to which he aspired.

Shocker (1989): C

Shocker may not be scary, but it is educational. For instance, did you know that fathers and sons regularly share an impenetrable psychic bond that manifests itself in dreams? And believe it or not, when spirits possess the bodies of living others, the deceased’s original physical disabilities (like a limp) carry over to their new hosts. Oh, and let’s not forget that average human beings are never surprised – much less alarmed – by the appearance of supernatural phenomenon, which is now considered as everyday as blue jeans and bad perms. These and other life lessons are graciously provided by Wes Craven’s 1989 horror film, a revisitation of the director’s favorite themes (alternate realities, parent-child dynamics, lunatics spouting one-liners) that pitifully attempts to replicate A Nightmare on Elm Street by means of a maniacal, partially burned serial killer who appears in teenagers’ slumbering thoughts. The psycho in question is TV repairman Horace Pinker (The X-Files’ Mitch Pileggi), whose murderous rampage is challenged by foster child and high school star quarterback Jonathan Parker (Peter Berg). Unfortunately for Parker, though, ol’ Horace is a black magic disciple who makes a pact with the television devil and becomes – upon frying in the electric chair – an electricity spirit who can jump back and forth between normal citizens. Revelations about Jonathan’s relationship to Horace are (like the cheese-metal score) predictable and dumb. In the stupidity department, however, such bombshells pale in comparison to the parade of ghosts who aid Jonathan in battle, a perplexing plot point involving the necklace of Jonathan’s dead girlfriend, and Craven’s inane anti-TV commentary, which begins with shots of Horace’s workplace (filled with sets tuned to death and destruction, oh my!), peaks with the killer receiving unholy communion from the boob tube via jumper cables, and ends with some lame virtual channel surfing that’s part The Ring, part Stay Tuned.

Fatherhood 2.0

Why no recent blog posts? Well, because on Feb. 1st, Cathy and I welcomed our second daughter into the world: Julia Madeline Schager. As one might imagine, it's made for a crazy past two weeks, though I've nonetheless managed to get a few reviews done - links to which can be found alongside the obligatory baby pic.

This Weekend:
Ghost Rider (Slant magazine)
Close to Home (Slant magazine)
Antibodies (Slant magazine)

Coming Soon:
Operation Homecoming (Slant magazine)
Severance (Slant magazine)

DVDs:
Brother - DVD (Slant magazine)
Harvest Time - DVD (Slant magazine)

TV:
Dream Cruise - Masters of Horror (Season 2) (Slant magazine)

SOMA, in Flannel

My second contribution to SOMA magazine is the cover story for February's "Film Issue." It's a profile of Julianne Nicholson, current star of Law & Order: Criminal Intent and recent lead in Jeff Lipsky's superbly acted relationship drama Flannel Pajamas.

Because of how the magazine's site is designed, the below link will simply get you to the main content page. From there, selecting the article will bring up the text.

Strutting Her Stuff, in Flannel (SOMA magazine)