Hide and Seek (2004): D

Is it too easy to say that one should hide, and never seek out, Hide and Seek? Probably. But there’s still no getting around the atrociousness of John Polson’s thriller, which pairs the once-great Robert DeNiro with the always-awful Dakota Fanning as a father and daughter trying to cope with their family matriarch’s suicide. DeNiro’s participation in this supernatural cesspit might be deemed “slumming it” if he hadn’t already made Godsend, and his shockingly bland performance perfectly fits this stilted spookfest, in which NYC shrink David Callaway (DeNiro) relocates to the suburban sticks with his traumatized daughter Emily (Fanning) and is forced to deal with crimes apparently perpetrated by Emily’s imaginary friend Charlie. Unfortunately, any hope that Charlie might be Satan is dashed by an insipid script, which rips whole pages out of the Identity and What Lies Beneath playbooks while delivering unconvincing red herrings involving the Callaway’s pseudo-pedophilic neighbors, David’s friend/colleague Katherine (Famke Janssen) and his new love interest Elizabeth (Elizabeth Shue). Devoid of believability, Hide and Seek winds up merely functioning as a lame showcase for DeNiro’s monotonous blankness and the hysterics of Fanning, whose terrified little girl (dolled up in sub-Adams Family goth makeup) alternates between staring into nothingness, spewing venom like a callous bitch, and weeping with award-baiting abandon. “Trauma causes pain,” is David’s common psychobabble refrain. Yes, and stupid, gimmicky thrillers cause irritation and boredom.