What’s the point of making a horror film if you can’t even manage a single scare or unsettling moment? That’s the only intriguing topic of conversation prompted by The Messengers, the derivative-at-every-turn English-language debut of The Pang Brothers (Bangkok Dangerous, The Eye). Thanks to older daughter Jess’ (Kristen Stewart) unspecified bad behavior, a father (Dylan McDermott) and mother (Penelope Ann Miller) move their clan from Chicago to a dilapidated farmhouse in North Dakota, where their mute infant son begins seeing creepy crawly ghosts. Jess soon does too, though darn it, mom and dad just don’t believe her! What’s a teenage girl to do? How about freak out, vainly enlist the help of a cute local guy, and wait until the film gets to a third act in which the shit hits the fan so thoroughly that everyone must accept her outrageous claims about malevolent specters. The Pangs’ refusal to immediately reveal Jess’ relocation-prompting delinquent crime generates more mystery than their actual ghost story, which turns out to be merely a lame J-horror rehash that can’t even effectively utilize The X-Files’ sinister Cigarette Smoking Man, William B. Davis. Between the wretched dialogue, obvious red herrings, mundane effects work, and dearth of noteworthy set pieces, the only message worth relaying about The Messengers is: Avoid.
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